Up There

So our dog died just last night. And we were terribly weeping. The memories and regrets was played a thousand times in our head. (well, in my mind)

I loved our dog. She was our second dog. We had a dog before but I was young and I don’t really remember anything. I was afraid of dogs and so I tried to avoid our first dog.

But with Muffins, our second dog, my phobia faded. I knew how to handle dogs. And muffins is with no doubt, the best dog ever. She was tame, sweet, gentle and brave. And so it killed me to use the word ‘was’. I loved her but I had to be strong for the family. If I cry, surely this would be a domino situation.

What I just can’t forget is the memory of her being buried on the ground. I took a flower from our vase and placed it on her grave. I wanted her to be buried peacefully and beautifully atleast. The sight of her being wrapped in a blanket and placed with worms.. I just can’t. She can sleep in my bed for all I care.

What I’m regretting is that.. I wished I payed more attention to her. I wished we continuously took her on trips, and ran with her on the park, and scratched her tummy. Because now… We can never do that. We can just imagine it, and get teary eyed. I wished it didn’t end this way. I’d rather she died of old age than this accident. I can’t bear this plate for such a short notice. I wished we knew, so we could’ve prepared. We could’ve gave her her last good days. I wished I gave her a treat or a hug whenever I came home. I am terribly regretting. For being such a terrible sitter.

But maybe she is better off in the heavens. Because up there, she has friends, and she will be taken care of. She would be with her parents most probably, and be with God ofcourse. I hope she does go straight up to the heavens and just fade and wander. I love her so much she just has to have the best.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that.. Guys, when the day comes, you will feel sad, angry, depressed, but try not to feel regrets. Please show them how much you love them. So you’ll never wished you could give them your time when it’s already too late. Because a hanky can’t heal you.

And it kind of terrifies me. The sight of how terribly affected we are for a pet to pass away. What if.. You know what. How can we go on with our lives? I am so scared. Now I understand why some people after seeing their loved ones dying, commit suicide or suffer from depression. Especially if everyone was robbed from them. It’s just… How can you even walk down the street seeing happy families and everything. I can’t an don’t even want to imagine 😦

I am terribly sorry for anyone who has ever lost anyone. Please stay strong for me. Prove me wrong.

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I speak for the pained

I wish for

I’m slowly but surely sinking
Into deep deep sorrow
No one can save me now
Yet I beg to be saved
I am red in the face
Preparing to explode
Yet no words come
The explosion stays inside
So no one sees
And no one hears
No one really cares
I just wish there is somebody
The opposite of others
To say he cares
And actually mean it
To hold me tight
To blow away my smoke
Hold my hand
When I’m holding it in
I wish and wish for hope
But shooting stars ignore the needy

Disadvantages of the Innocent

Should I have been relieved that I am not included in the mess? That I am innocent? 

Sure it has an obvious advantage. But the disadvantage? Them not letting you take part and say what you have to say. Sometimes you have to hear what the odd one out has in mind. The odd one out is me. It’s like their the celebrity and I’m society. And everyone knows how society could criticize. They don’t feel the pain of the suffer-ers, which is why they have soo much to say. Which could be very judgmental, but also fucking true and painful. 

Butandwell, what do i have to say..

Why must one do such a thing? Because youth? Possibly. Or peer pressure? For some. Hm, Maybe they’re right let the odd one be taped. I may never understand because I never tried. There might come a time when I will, possibly. But I know that I’ll never get myself addicted. Once is enough for me. I may seem like a pussy but well, ill graduate.

No hard feelings,

Nerd

ACET 2013-2014 tester’s experience

Good bye Ateneo!

Regretting!!!! 😦 I hadn’t had the time to give my best on the essay! We had 15 minutes left before the proctor announced that by this time we should be at part 4 (essay). I had about 8 more questions left so I crammed. The time I finished I was wondering why the proctor was not announcing the essay question. I raised my hand only to find out that the question was placed on the essay sheet. How could I have been so stupid and careless? Five minutes left before the time, I rushed to writing. And.. it was the worst essay I had EVER written. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SOOO. And just like that I knew my chances were snatched away from me.

Math btw was okay, english part 3 was confusing. Abstract Reasoning was hell. 90% of my answers were mostly guesses. To conclude, I am frowning at the lost of my chance to be an Atenean. 

But oh well. This may be God’s will. But.. NOOOOOOOOO Ateneo i love you.

Zero Hero

I have a dozen options on which one I’d choose to love back. The only problem? Neither one of my options have me as their option. Yup I pretty much have zero waiting on my stairwell. I don’t blame them. I was never the swan. And it’s my fault too. There was once a time where in I was overwhelmed with a lot of attention. Peer pressure was knocking on my door and I let it in before peeping on the peep hole. The huge-est mistake I’ve ever done. Now I’m left here, alone and friendless. Deliberately trying to fake it. Why am I wasting my life? And yet even when I’m awaken, I still do nothing. Please send me a saviour, Almighty, let someone help me overcome these struggles. I can watch, eat and shop alone but never face a slapping dead end problemo alone.

Teary eyed,
Nerr D

Second Damn Day

Today is the second day for my diet. My dad brought home fast food. I think he is purposely tempting me to drool for yummy yet unhealthy foods. Yesterday he brought home roast chicken from a restaurant. Damn.

Anyway. So there went my diet. Although I punished myself with extra workout which still made me feel like it wasn’t enough. But it got me tiiireeed. Dead on the coach. I am sitting wait no, I am currently lying on our comfortable home-y couch which is super soft and comfortable when you’re this tired. I am glued. But I am forced to stand because my baby brother is yelling for me to carry him down. Outrageous .

And so I’m back. I know it will tire you to find my part two blog post.
Anyway where was I? Oh yes the couch. I will marry this couch. Oh Have I mentioned? My mom told me I’ll grow old staying single. Ouch. Possible.
If I don’t lose this flabs. Work out!!! See ya

PS: My instax came and I love it!! But the package was incomplete. Consumer right to redress!

See ya,
Nerr D

Inspired

I was watching MTV hit series Awkward last night. The reason I slept at 2 AM and woke up at 11 am. First time. Anyway, I am inspired to follow main character, Jenna’s doings. Obviously not the heart-rob part since I am not as pretty. But the online journal part. I want to be totally honest here and just let out real emotions. Maybe this is the way for me to develop writing and also to start knowing what to say. I am usually speechless nowadays. I couldn’t express myself all naturally.

Also, I am inspired to stop being such a lazy fat ass. But to start a diet and lose weight. Seriously, why am I thinking its never gonna happen? I have to atleast try. I am a 65 kilo, 142 pound girl. I have to do something about this. Any advice?

-nerd dy