Rant

I am so tired of having to keep it all inside. You don’t how it feels like to stay sitted and to act as if you are in the very least having a good time and enjoying people’s company. But in all honesty, you hate everything. Everything you hear. Or you are just simply jealous that whatever’s happening, youre ignored. And you don’t have the courage to tell this to anyone because you know they don’t really care and you don’t want their sympathy because it will only make them feel better on themselves. I just I fucking hate everyone right now. I hate this bitch in my class who sort of ruined my name in the class. I hate so much people right now I may explode. I just I wish it would all stop. Why does it have to end this way Why are you so fucking annoying Why am I stuck with you Why are you so pretentious Why why fucking why

Up There

So our dog died just last night. And we were terribly weeping. The memories and regrets was played a thousand times in our head. (well, in my mind)

I loved our dog. She was our second dog. We had a dog before but I was young and I don’t really remember anything. I was afraid of dogs and so I tried to avoid our first dog.

But with Muffins, our second dog, my phobia faded. I knew how to handle dogs. And muffins is with no doubt, the best dog ever. She was tame, sweet, gentle and brave. And so it killed me to use the word ‘was’. I loved her but I had to be strong for the family. If I cry, surely this would be a domino situation.

What I just can’t forget is the memory of her being buried on the ground. I took a flower from our vase and placed it on her grave. I wanted her to be buried peacefully and beautifully atleast. The sight of her being wrapped in a blanket and placed with worms.. I just can’t. She can sleep in my bed for all I care.

What I’m regretting is that.. I wished I payed more attention to her. I wished we continuously took her on trips, and ran with her on the park, and scratched her tummy. Because now… We can never do that. We can just imagine it, and get teary eyed. I wished it didn’t end this way. I’d rather she died of old age than this accident. I can’t bear this plate for such a short notice. I wished we knew, so we could’ve prepared. We could’ve gave her her last good days. I wished I gave her a treat or a hug whenever I came home. I am terribly regretting. For being such a terrible sitter.

But maybe she is better off in the heavens. Because up there, she has friends, and she will be taken care of. She would be with her parents most probably, and be with God ofcourse. I hope she does go straight up to the heavens and just fade and wander. I love her so much she just has to have the best.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that.. Guys, when the day comes, you will feel sad, angry, depressed, but try not to feel regrets. Please show them how much you love them. So you’ll never wished you could give them your time when it’s already too late. Because a hanky can’t heal you.

And it kind of terrifies me. The sight of how terribly affected we are for a pet to pass away. What if.. You know what. How can we go on with our lives? I am so scared. Now I understand why some people after seeing their loved ones dying, commit suicide or suffer from depression. Especially if everyone was robbed from them. It’s just… How can you even walk down the street seeing happy families and everything. I can’t an don’t even want to imagine 😦

I am terribly sorry for anyone who has ever lost anyone. Please stay strong for me. Prove me wrong.

I speak for the pained

I wish for

I’m slowly but surely sinking
Into deep deep sorrow
No one can save me now
Yet I beg to be saved
I am red in the face
Preparing to explode
Yet no words come
The explosion stays inside
So no one sees
And no one hears
No one really cares
I just wish there is somebody
The opposite of others
To say he cares
And actually mean it
To hold me tight
To blow away my smoke
Hold my hand
When I’m holding it in
I wish and wish for hope
But shooting stars ignore the needy

Zero Hero

I have a dozen options on which one I’d choose to love back. The only problem? Neither one of my options have me as their option. Yup I pretty much have zero waiting on my stairwell. I don’t blame them. I was never the swan. And it’s my fault too. There was once a time where in I was overwhelmed with a lot of attention. Peer pressure was knocking on my door and I let it in before peeping on the peep hole. The huge-est mistake I’ve ever done. Now I’m left here, alone and friendless. Deliberately trying to fake it. Why am I wasting my life? And yet even when I’m awaken, I still do nothing. Please send me a saviour, Almighty, let someone help me overcome these struggles. I can watch, eat and shop alone but never face a slapping dead end problemo alone.

Teary eyed,
Nerr D

Anti Social

I’m obsessed. This business has taken me over. I don’t blame it though, it is my own doing. I chose to be this way. But now I can’t change the way I am, because I’m addicted. What the hell do I do?

I am losing my life. My friends my social life. I want to attend social events but I get so tired easily and when I talk, all I think about is sleep and how I miss my bed so much, and how I just want to hug my baby brother.

I want it. I want it too believe me. I’m not all anti social. It’s just that I don’t know how to deal with it. How I can sart a conversation and worse, keep it alive. I’m just not me anymore. I’m not thr happy talkative girl that just hates awkward silence. I live awkward silence. I’m the awkward silence.

And I hate it. But I just can’t do anything to fix it.
It’s done.

I’m so confused.

Pretty different or pretty boring

Okay so my life’s pretty different now. At a young age, I’ve started a shop. And have pushed my way up successfully. And I’m really proud of this achievement. I am really inspired by it.
But it stops me from socializing. I’m losing friends. I wonder sometimes if it is my fault. If its my doing. Have I pushed them away purposely?
I keep thinking I’ve chosen the wrong set of friends. But is it because I don’t try hard enough to accept them or to exert effort to win their friendship?
I just don’t understand and I’m so confused right now.

God, please guide me, help me, show me signs. I like being alone, but I still wish and crave for the happiness that friends bring.

I love you Lord.

Favorites

Parents,
Please don’t ever make one of your children feel less wanted than her siblings. Because you know what? It kills. Learn to love them all equally. If you can’t divide your heart, well then, bear only one child. Simple. It’d save you cash. And would stop the growing number of heartbreaks of children.

It’s so hard doing everything you could. Even having to stop chasing your dreams, and choose what your parents would be proud of. Just to make them proud even for once. Wishing they’d appreciate your sacrifice and finally love you or at the very least give you even a little bit of attention. But no. Once they’ve chosen their favorite, it’s impossible to get some attention. You may as well be wind.

There was once this book I’ve read. Two boys wrestling. For the first time ever, the little boy defeated his bigger brother in their game, with their father watching. When the boy smiled and looked at his father for praise, the father was frowning at the bigger brother and said, you should have had moved a little faster! And even for a second, never congratulated the little boy. Pathetic. I would never ever have a favorite child among my kids. No nah-uh.

So yeah you figured. It’s my dad. I just really wished he’d be the dad to me as he is to his fave kid among us sibs.
I’m not even hoping anymore. I just wished itd improve, even a little, our connection. Id be so happy.

Off now,
Nerr D