Restart

Thinking of restarting this blog with new posts. Thinking of updating it regularly and not just randomly popping out posts. And this time, thinking of seriously being true to my words and not just dropping false promises again. You’d think that with the amount of time in my hands, I’d get to accomplish all these but well besides being a nerd, I’d always be lazy.

3 day liking

You’re different
That is why I liked you
We talked
We laughed
And teased
You poke me in the arm
Why the hell didn’t I poke you back
I don’t know
You let me ride with you home
You asked if I knew how to cross the street
You asked if I’ve eaten
I want to hug you
Right now
At this very moment
But but but
You’re far away
And have obviously forgotten about me
Even though we weren’t given a lifetime
I thank thee for thy 3 days
Those days were the happiest
Because I met you
And we talked
Laughed, and teased
You’re something I’ll surely miss

A letter I made 3 years back

It was unexpected when I fell for you.
I was just sitting there,
minding my own business,
’till they yelled your name.
I looked in your direction
And I don’t know what happened:
Butterflies flew, sweats dripped,
I was conscious from you
You had me.
So tell me,
Was this love at first sight?
I couldn’t stop staring
And you were just everywhere
I wish I’d knew what you were thinking
Did I caught your eye like you did to me?
Did you even noticed I was existing?
Would I regret it if I told you I love you?
Would I get dumped one second after I tell you?
Is it the right move? Is there no way out?
Please tell me cos boy you’re driving me crazy
From the first I saw you, I knew pain was next
Can’t i be Edward Cullen to read your mind?
Can’t I be Wendy to fly away with you?
David architects to touch your hand?

Disturbed

I don’t understand what I’m feeling at this very moment
I feel sad for missing out on the real essence of high school, for focusing on this hobby that seemed to took over my life. I can’t believe it’s the end. I didn’t shed tears not because I was numb enough to do so but because there was no time for drama. And I hate the fact that there was no time. I am so mad right now at the inconsiderate people who did not give me time and support. But maybe I myself is to blame. Because I know i am leaving the place without leaving any mark. I will be gone without anyone knowing. And it’s gonna suck because they took away 6 years of my life. And yet, I received no recognition. It’s pretty stupid and dumb that right now I feel so jealous, selfish, mad and disturbed when in fact I should feel grateful. I am sorry. But big emotions like this one is pretty hard for me to understand. Well at least I’ve answered my question in the first paragraph

Failure

So I’ve posted a quick text last September about the ACET,

Well, the results are out. And it’s not such a bright world after all.

I flunked it. Not even waitlisted. Flunked.

I am really disappointed because ADMU is my dream school, only dream school. Now, I have no plans. 

I haven’t told my parents either. I’ve already disappointed them enough on the results of UPCAT, I don’t wanna get teary eyed for the same cause. I know my mom would freak out. I joked with her yesterday before the results were released, I said I failed the ACET. Here is how our conversation went:

Me: “Ma, di ako pumasang Ateneo”

Here: “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Wala ka nang pinasahan!!!”

 

Now, I don’t wanna know how it would turn out when I tell her its real.

So far, I’m thinking of getting myself more familiar with writing essays, overloading myself with deep vocabularies and fixing my grammars. I honestly found Math of the ACET okay. But english killed me, and the test was like 80% English. And maybe, after a year, if I still love ADMU, I’ll try to apply as a transfer student. My life is hard.

So for all the passers, Congratulations! You better take ADMU’s offer, you lucky bastards. 

 

2013 sum up

As I wave goodbye to the year 2013, 

I wracked my brains for positive things that has happened.

Although it was loaded with sad stuff, otherwise I will not be here typing down all my rants, it still had happy moments I should be thankful about. And I wanted to sum them up.

 

The summer of the year 2013 had been really busy.

Don’t forget the “break up” I had. It was just too much drama. I had always liked drama and the amusing feeling of letting out big, meaningful words that would surprise the receiver. Well all those stuff must have sucked in by some hole, cause I got pretty tired of it. And I don’t think it would help trying to constantly explain myself to this person. It killed me and I know it’d kill em too. 

Anyway, since I was graduating the coming year, my summer 2013 had to be all about books and catching up, otherwise I stand no chance in getting in good schools. 

But before reviewing gulps me up, I enrolled to a sports class together with my cousin. I met someone and a lot of new experiences had happened. It was the first time I got asked out, yet I blew it. I had given no effort. And when I did, the person got tired. It was all stupid. But I was thankful to have experienced it. 

Eventually I’ve come to my senses and realized it was just not meant. I couldn’t wait to let my cousin go because seeing her reminded me of that stupid summer crush. 

This summer had also brought with it great opportunities for my little shop business. I had loads of customers. It had taken up much of my time and vacation that honestly, it actually affected my reviews.. Which is what im blaming for, for the fact that I failed UP.  

It was so painful seeing the disappointment in my dad’s eyes. Even though he hadn’t said a word, I knew he was also shamed. He had put me in such a good expensive school. But I blew it. And on the ride to the mall, no one had spoken. It was the worst. And so the results of Ateneo etc continues to terrify me.

This year, I admit, I had also lost a handful of friends. I blame it on their change. But I was also to blame. I kept on ditching hang outs and the like. I filled all my schedules with work, studies and business. Me and my best friend had separated. I had lost respect, love and laughter.

Wait, I should be talking about good stuffs. 

Well, my family went to Singapore and it was so fun.

I had gotten close to Nadine & Ate Fatima

We all went to scream park and survived

I had focused more on my studies.

I had done my first bazaar together with 3 friends.

My family got a bit more stable.

Oh god, our favorite dog died…. 

oh, 2013, i am so ready to leave you behind.

 

So that’s about it. 

Rant

I am so tired of having to keep it all inside. You don’t how it feels like to stay sitted and to act as if you are in the very least having a good time and enjoying people’s company. But in all honesty, you hate everything. Everything you hear. Or you are just simply jealous that whatever’s happening, youre ignored. And you don’t have the courage to tell this to anyone because you know they don’t really care and you don’t want their sympathy because it will only make them feel better on themselves. I just I fucking hate everyone right now. I hate this bitch in my class who sort of ruined my name in the class. I hate so much people right now I may explode. I just I wish it would all stop. Why does it have to end this way Why are you so fucking annoying Why am I stuck with you Why are you so pretentious Why why fucking why

Up There

So our dog died just last night. And we were terribly weeping. The memories and regrets was played a thousand times in our head. (well, in my mind)

I loved our dog. She was our second dog. We had a dog before but I was young and I don’t really remember anything. I was afraid of dogs and so I tried to avoid our first dog.

But with Muffins, our second dog, my phobia faded. I knew how to handle dogs. And muffins is with no doubt, the best dog ever. She was tame, sweet, gentle and brave. And so it killed me to use the word ‘was’. I loved her but I had to be strong for the family. If I cry, surely this would be a domino situation.

What I just can’t forget is the memory of her being buried on the ground. I took a flower from our vase and placed it on her grave. I wanted her to be buried peacefully and beautifully atleast. The sight of her being wrapped in a blanket and placed with worms.. I just can’t. She can sleep in my bed for all I care.

What I’m regretting is that.. I wished I payed more attention to her. I wished we continuously took her on trips, and ran with her on the park, and scratched her tummy. Because now… We can never do that. We can just imagine it, and get teary eyed. I wished it didn’t end this way. I’d rather she died of old age than this accident. I can’t bear this plate for such a short notice. I wished we knew, so we could’ve prepared. We could’ve gave her her last good days. I wished I gave her a treat or a hug whenever I came home. I am terribly regretting. For being such a terrible sitter.

But maybe she is better off in the heavens. Because up there, she has friends, and she will be taken care of. She would be with her parents most probably, and be with God ofcourse. I hope she does go straight up to the heavens and just fade and wander. I love her so much she just has to have the best.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that.. Guys, when the day comes, you will feel sad, angry, depressed, but try not to feel regrets. Please show them how much you love them. So you’ll never wished you could give them your time when it’s already too late. Because a hanky can’t heal you.

And it kind of terrifies me. The sight of how terribly affected we are for a pet to pass away. What if.. You know what. How can we go on with our lives? I am so scared. Now I understand why some people after seeing their loved ones dying, commit suicide or suffer from depression. Especially if everyone was robbed from them. It’s just… How can you even walk down the street seeing happy families and everything. I can’t an don’t even want to imagine 😦

I am terribly sorry for anyone who has ever lost anyone. Please stay strong for me. Prove me wrong.

I speak for the pained

I wish for

I’m slowly but surely sinking
Into deep deep sorrow
No one can save me now
Yet I beg to be saved
I am red in the face
Preparing to explode
Yet no words come
The explosion stays inside
So no one sees
And no one hears
No one really cares
I just wish there is somebody
The opposite of others
To say he cares
And actually mean it
To hold me tight
To blow away my smoke
Hold my hand
When I’m holding it in
I wish and wish for hope
But shooting stars ignore the needy

Disadvantages of the Innocent

Should I have been relieved that I am not included in the mess? That I am innocent? 

Sure it has an obvious advantage. But the disadvantage? Them not letting you take part and say what you have to say. Sometimes you have to hear what the odd one out has in mind. The odd one out is me. It’s like their the celebrity and I’m society. And everyone knows how society could criticize. They don’t feel the pain of the suffer-ers, which is why they have soo much to say. Which could be very judgmental, but also fucking true and painful. 

Butandwell, what do i have to say..

Why must one do such a thing? Because youth? Possibly. Or peer pressure? For some. Hm, Maybe they’re right let the odd one be taped. I may never understand because I never tried. There might come a time when I will, possibly. But I know that I’ll never get myself addicted. Once is enough for me. I may seem like a pussy but well, ill graduate.

No hard feelings,

Nerd